Continue reading »]]> While studying to be a life coach I have discovered a few ideas that I do not agree with. The idea that forgiveness is not a good thing and that unconditional love is dangerous. I posted a couple of videos on You Tube with my thoughts on forgiveness and unconditional love.

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• Should Love Be Unconditional? (psychologytoday.com)
• Love? (ask.metafilter.com)

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Continue reading »]]> In my previous written blog I wrote about taking my stress and changing what it means to me. The intention is really good and has made a lot of positive changes in my life.

“I joyous relish each opportunity to grow myself as an Awakener, for the benefit of all beings.”

This intention has spawned an idea for another intention as I look at the situation from a different perspective.

Living from the inside out

Changing the way I look at stress is an amazing intention and it does not deal with the entire spectrum. For the intention I wrote last week to be sparked something has to happen to me. That lowers the effectiveness of this intention. I am not going to throw away last week’s intention as it is extremely helpful. What I am going to do is create another intention that will work from the inside out. Instead of waiting for an opportunity I am going to write an intention based on the way I want to behave.

That is the beauty of writing intentions in a joyous manner is that they spark other intentions. Each intention that you will write for a something you want in reality or how you react to a situation will have a counter part for how you want to behave. Every time you write an intention that is from the outside in, you will be discovering an intention that you can write that is from the inside out. The more you write from how you want to be, the more you will discover amazing changes in your life.

Amazing change

An example of an amazing change that happened in my life that was a byproduct of my intention writing process was when I let go of my social cup. I used to have mental social cup. When I was out with people I could feel this cup fill up. When it was full, I was done with being social and I had to empty the cup again by spending time alone. This made it hard to be social. I would be having a lot of fun at a party and then my cup would fill up. When that happened it didn’t matter how much fun I was having, I would feel anxiety, self-conscious and want to leave the situation as fast as I could.

I remember one day when I was home alone, I noticed that my social cup was gone. While I was working from the inside out, without even noticing, I let the social cup go. Now I can spend a lot of time with people and just have a good time. I no longer have that mental restriction.

New Inside Out Intention

The intention that I wrote sparks a way that I want to live. The way I want to live is as an Awakener. As a coach I want to awaken you to your true potential. Awaken the part of you that can handle any situation with joy. To awaken your ability to unconditionally love.

I am living my ideal life each day with unconditional love as an amazing Awakener.

Writing the intention down and reading the intention out loud feels so good. I am looking forward to discovering all the amazing changes in my life that are spawned by this intention.

P.S.

Discover the power of writing your intentions in a way that makes you feel good. Out now at www.joyousexpansion.com, I just released a FREE eBook that will show you how to write your own intentions. You too can change your life in amazing ways!

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• Mindfulness of Breath: The Buddha’s Path to Awakening (Part Two) (beliefnet.com)

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Continue reading »]]> Being selfish is one of my favorite keys to tell people. This key is very important to living a life full of joy. It is also something that our society tends to give bad rap.

The Joyous Expansion Key #2 of living a joyful life is “be positively selfish.”

Being selfish is generally frowned upon in our society. I have had many conversations with people who tell me, “I can’t do that. It is selfish.” Feeling selfish makes people feel bad about themselves, when they should feel good. Being selfish is taking care of you first.

You have to take care of yourself first because you will be able to give more to others. If you are sick, sad, or generally feeling bad, you cannot serve others in the best way possible. Sacrificing your own joy for someone else will not help anyone. This is how you live exactly opposite of the martyr mentality.

Won’t people be mad at me?

If you teach people that you are willing to sacrifice your well being for them, there is a good chance that people will be upset at you for being positively selfish. As long as you are being positively selfish for the greater good, they will eventually understand. If they do not, there is a chance that they are self-centered and nothing you can do will make them happy. Even when you are sacrificing yourself for them, you can never do enough. No matter what you do, these people will not be happy with you. You might as well be happy with yourself.

Taking care of yourself first is for the greater good

Airplane air mask instructions always mention to first put the mask on yourself and then on your child. If you do not do this it will cause both you and your child problems as you might pass out while you are trying to save your child. Thus dooming you both! These instructions make sense in everyday life as much as they do on a plane. A lot of people tend to sacrifice their own needs and slowly kill themselves for other people.

I like modify the definition of selfish to “taking care of myself so I can be there fully to serve others with all of the joy in my heart” so it is more accurate. I use the term self-centered to mean, “taking care of myself and only myself for just myself.” As long as you are living a life full of service and love, being selfish is an amazingly positive action. As you recharge your batteries you can go full out in your service. If you stretch yourself thin, you will not be there for the people you care about.

A positively selfish boss is a boss who has time to listen to their employees and be fair and just. A positively selfish parent will set a good example as they will teach their children that their needs are important. The positively selfish parent will also be more patient with their children and an overall better parent. A positively selfish friend can be there for their friends. A positively selfish lover can truly satisfy their partner.

Being positively selfish will allow you to do the actions that bring you more joy. It gives you time to find your own placebo. From there you can be an amazing example of how to live and change the world. Mahatma Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Real change comes from the inside and that means taking care of you. The more you become a happy and whole person the better you will be at bringing your gifts into the world The better example you will be for the world’s children. The better leader you will be for those that follow you. You will affect change one person at a time in an amazing and positive way. It all starts with you taking care of you.

This also means to love yourself. Be positively selfish when it comes to self love. The more you love yourself the more you are able to love other people and love them unconditionally. That literally means to love them with no conditions.

No better way to love yourself than to take care of yourself.

My services

Hiring a life coach is an example of being positively selfish. When we speak together, we will be talking about you and how you can become more successful and full of joy.. That time will be all about you. All the words that come out of my mouth will be ones that I believe will help you in a positive way. It will be like a spa for your successful muscles. Together we will find ways for you to be positively selfish, while balancing all of your other needs. We will get you to a point where you are happy and can serve the people in your life more fully.

Homework of the week

This week, do something only for you. I suggest getting a massage.

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• Love is an expression and assertion of self-esteem, a response to one’s own values in the person of another. One gains a profoundly personal, selfish joy from the mere existence of the person one loves. It is one’s own personal, selfish happiness that one (quotationsbook.com)

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Continue reading »]]> “Worrying is using your imagination to create something you don’t want.”
-Abraham

Since I jumped on the “worry is bad” bandwagon, I have been met with resistance when discussing it. Many people are very attached to their desire to worry. One of the resistances that I get from this conversation is that they simply cannot “not care”. This argument is stating that there are two states that a person can be in during any situation. The truth is there are many states between worry and not worry. They are mistaken in believing that worry is tied to caring. In fact worry is the exact opposite of caring.

In any given situation, worrying about people actually makes the situation worse. This is especially true if the person is a chronic worrier. Not only does the person worry enough about their own situation and lives, they are now given a burden of another person who feels bad about their situation. As I’ve written previously, a person cannot feel bad enough to make someone else feel better. That is not how it works. Worrying about a bad situation just adds to the whole problem. If the person going through the bad situation is also a person who worries, a huge worry ball that will just destroy everyone involved is created. Tempers will flair, emotional crying outbursts will explode, more feelings will be hurt, and a myriad of other emotional disasters may result from too much worrying.

I am not trying to pile on a lot of blame on the worriers out there. In fact, they are probably worrying about me picking on them right now. The intentions of the worriers are generally good. The chronic worrier feels they are doing what they need to do to show that they care. The chronic worrier’s help may be misplaced, however, they are doing the best that they can with their skill set.

If you are one who is prone to worry with the idea that you worry because you care, ask yourself a question, “Is it caring to make the situation worse?” When you notice that the person is sick of you asking if they are OK is that really caring? To me, caring isn’t about showing that I care. It is me doing actions that make the situation better. Not worrying about the situation constantly, and instead thinking the best of the situation and dealing with it with a smile does not mean that the person is not caring about it. This practice takes me out of the equation of feeling bad. No sane person enjoys making another person feel bad, even when the situation is something they have no control over. Let’s use cancer as an example. I have seen situations where the person who is in total pain has to put on a brave face and make jokes for the benefit of the person helping them. How is it caring when the situation calls for the person in pain to go into the caregiver roll for their own caregiver?

Worrying is not caring. Caring is caring. Having concern for someone in pain does not have to be tied to worry. Worrying is making the situation in your mind worse than the reality of what is actually happening. Worrying is constantly thinking about the pain instead of thinking of the healing. Thinking the best about a person does not mean if they fall down, you will not go over and help them. Look back in your life and notice the times when you were not worried about a given situation and the situation happened. Did you react with concern and caring? Did you think, “I was not worried about my friend breaking their ankle, so I will just let them lay there crying in pain.” I am guessing that you helped the person with as much caring as you have in your being. Taking the worry out of the equation is not putting your burden onto those you are trying to help. It is about love; it is not about worry.

The action of feeling love is on the opposite spectrum of the feeling of worry. Love is an emotion that feels good. Worrying is not an emotion. It is an action where a person takes emotions that feel bad and constantly spins them. People who worry make pictures of the worst thing happening. They tell themselves that bad things are going to happen or feel that the worst is going to happen. It is actually impossible to love someone and worry about someone at the same time. Worry either leads to no action with the person feeling bad and worrying themselves to death or worrying too much action such as the constantly asking if someone is doing fine. Neither of those actions make the person that they are worrying about feel loved. Imagine yourself saying to someone, “I love you.” Notice how that feels good and imagine the person’s reaction. Generally reactions to those three words are good. There are situations where it might be bad for people, however this is not a blog about dating. Now imagine yourself looking into your loved one’s eyes. As you are holding their hand, with all the caring you have say, “I worry about you.” Notice how that does not feel as good. Does it feel like caring to you? Does the person you tell this too feel better about themselves? Have you ever heard anyone apologize for making someone feel love for you? Have you ever heard someone say, “I am sorry I worried you?” Love is never having to say, “I’m sorry.” Worry is about being in a constant state of sorrow.

My Services

Together we will work to see how worry is affecting your life. With this awareness, we will find techniques to get you off the worry train. You will be able to react to situations with love in your heart instead of fear and remove the blocks that keep your life from being joyous.

www.joyousexpansion.com

Homework of the week

Reread the first blog about worry.

Examine the thoughts in your head about situations. Notice if they are helping or hurting the situation. If they are hurting the situation and making the person feel worse say to yourself, “I am open to happier thoughts that help the situation for the person I care about.”

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Continue reading »]]> One way that people like to make themselves feel bad is to use the word “selfish”. When I see people use this word, I see them lower their heads and cross their arms in disgust. People do not like the idea of doing things for themselves.

The truth is that it is good to be selfish. When you are selfish you are putting your needs first. I understand how that can look like a bad thing. Look at it closely; if you are out of shape can you help someone push themselves in a good run? If you are sick can you take care of another person? Taking care of yourself is what allows you to support your loved ones.

Many people like to create a martyr mentality where they believe they can help people or be a good person by hurting themselves. Martyrs are only good when their sacrifices are written in song. Generally this is done by religion. In real life martyrs are annoying and draining to the people they are around. Have you been with a person who refused to be selfish? Have you noticed how you really want them to do something nice for themselves? Have you noticed how you aren’t taking your advice on this one?

The person who lives a life of anti-selfishness is living from a lack mentality. Somewhere in their brain they believe if they spend time for themselves then they will not have time for other people. When people are in lack mentalities they create the lack in their lives. They believe if they only sacrificed themselves more then their children would never feel bad or their significant other wouldn’t have left. I feel Abraham said it best when she said, “You cannot get yourself sick enough to make someone else better, you cannot lower yourself enough to make someone feel more empowered, you cannot make yourself poor enough to make someone else rich.” Only in extreme situations, such as jumping in front of a bullet, does martyrdom help a situation.

Another problem with being a martyr is that you will never feel appreciated enough for your sacrifices. Since none of the martyr’s sacrifices are good enough for themselves, they will reflect their beliefs of lack of appreciation of themselves on the people in their lives. Since a martyr can never sacrifice themselves enough to fix everything, they believe that everyone thinks the same about them. Even if those that the martyr has helped say they appreciate what the martyr does for them, the martyr will never believe them. Also, martyrs will grow to resent the person because they have to sacrifice so much of their lives for them. The martyr puts their life on hold. The martyr also may turn to emotional manipulation to get the love they seek if their sacrifices do not work.

Martyrdom does not allow people to live up to their full potential and is not a way to show love. It is more of a type of manipulation. True love is the love people attribute to dogs. They give love while wanting nothing in return. Mother Teresa had an excellent quote, “The greatest paradox is that if I love until it hurts, there is no hurt.” Sacrificing for love is not a way to get love. In fact it is not even a form of loving. The martyr has fooled themselves in believing they are being loving.

Sacrificing in itself is not a bad thing. Sacrificing your life to get love is though. Many great people sacrifice their lives because it is their purpose. Mothers and fathers who sacrifice their lives for their children are an example. What makes these people not martyrs is they do not want in return and will accept the gifts that people give them. Plus they also make sure to take care of themselves.

The classic example is the oxygen mask on the plane. First the parent puts the oxygen mask on and then they put it on their child. You are no good if while putting the oxygen mask on your child, you pass out yourself. Being the martyr is metaphorically passing out while putting the mask on the child and then yelling at the child for not thanking them for the great sacrifice they have made. Many martyr’s actually try to jump in front of bullet.

The question to ask yourself is where in your life you are sacrificing for someone else to get something in return that you will never get. Are you sleeping with a man so he will fall in love with you? Are you helping a woman move so she will sleep with you? Are you refusing praise for some help you did? Where are you trying to get sick so someone else can feel well?

Awareness is an amazing first step for change.

Homework of the week:

Even if you are not a martyr in any aspect of your life or any relationships, do something nice for yourself, just for yourself. Additional homework, if anyone gives you a compliment, thank them.

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Continue reading »]]> During my development, the first thing I did was greatly reduce the amount of worry that I do in my life. There is no reason to do the activity of worry.

The brain’s job is to think thoughts. There are many thoughts in the brain. According to Google Answers the brain thinks about 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts a day. Worrying is taking one thought that causes pain or stress and thinking it over and over again.

When a person thinks a thought that they do not like over and over again it is like loading the Song of Worry on their mp3 player and putting it on repeat. The brain starts the emotions and releases the chemicals that are inspired by the Song of Worry. For example, if someone loads the song, “My Child Is Smoking” into their mp3 player and plays it once, the song is not a negative. The thought can lead to some positive actions, such as the parent deciding to set a good example and take care of their lungs themselves, having a talk with their child to see if they have good influences on this subject, or encouraging their child to make positive choices.. The parent could disregard this thought, use the law of attraction and visualize their child making excellent decisions and decide to wait until the child smokes to actually feel bad about it.

The unfortunate person will decide to worry by clicking the repeat button on their mp3 player for the song “My Child Is Smoking.” What this entails is first imagining their child in a situation where they are tempted to smoke. Chances are this picture in this parent’s head is probably dark and scary. People rarely use rainbows and Care Bears when they imagine their children making bad choices. This by itself will cause negative emotions. After that this loving parent will lovingly imagine their child making a poor decision and start smoking. Then, with all the love in their soul they will think of their child with lung cancer and other smoking related problems. o. This will cause this loving best intentioned parent to become angry and sad. As the parent listens to this thought over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, each time they will feel sad and angry at their child all while losing trust in their child. For all their hard worrying work, the parent will also be hurting their immune system , as worrying can cause headaches, stomach issues, high blood pressure, chest pains, fatigue, depression, diabetes, obesity, skin conditions, anxiety and sleep disorders.

Which parent do you feel will handle the situation better? The one that makes a plan if their child smokes and decides to deal with it when the time comes or the parent that worries about their child smoking all of the time. The obvious choice is the parent who has decided to deal with the situation when the time comes. That parent will make a better decision at the time they learn their child is smoking. They will have less chance of blowing up at their child.

What does worry get you? It gets you a bunch of health risks and lessons your ability to deal with serious situations.

How to change?

One of the first things I listened to was Dr. Paul’s mindOS on a DVD collection called Inner Game. He described worry as a form of suffering. This stuck with me for years and I still use it to this day. He said that suffering used more energy than dealing with the issue. Since I wanted to use my energy more efficiently, I decided that I no longer wanted to choose to suffer. To me, worrying is akin to water boarding myself. If I am going to suffer it is going to be because I don’t have control over the situation, such as a car wreck or actually being tortured. Why should I get up, go over to the sink, lean back and run water over my nose to simulate drowning? That is what you are doing every time you suffer.

How I got off the worry train:

Step 1: Realize that worry is a choice. Running the same thought over and over again in my head is a choice that I have. It is easy to realize this. Think about a frog jumping up and down. Now think of a cat playing with string. Were you able to stop thinking about the frog jumping up and down and start thinking about the cat playing with the string? Changing your thoughts is that simple.

Step 2: Having awareness. Awareness is an amazing tool for changing and self growth. It is almost always the first step to change. Becoming aware of each time, I chose to suffer was a good start. If I am feeling negative, I will ask myself, “Am I choosing to suffer?” Not only does that question bring awareness of my feelings, it reinforces the fact that worrying is a choice.

Step 3: Stopping. In elementary school, I went to an assembly where there was a man who talked about a person who was shopping. All of a sudden he heard the guy said, “Stop it.” The assembly giver asked the guy why he yelled that. The man replied to him that his brain was thinking negative thoughts and he wanted them to stop. I have learned that this actually works. Especially if I say it enough times in my head. It is also much more effective when I say it out loud. It might give some weird looks my way. The weird looks are much better than spinning the record of worry in my brain. NLP co-founder Richard Bandler suggests using the mantra, “Shut the **** up!” That can work as well.

With those three easy steps you will be able to break the habit of worrying. It is how I did it. There are many more ways to give up worrying. Another way is to keep a little book with you. When you have a troubling thought write it down. If the thought is something that is worth following up then file it away to be dealt with at a good time. Thoughts worth following up on include the child smoking example. If the thought is not something that you can control (drunk driver hitting your child), very very silly (meteorite coming down to earth and hitting your child), or a thought you already decided how to deal with, tear up the paper or, better yet, burn it.

If you are interested in learning more about ending the cycle of worry, there are many other methods including the Sedona Method, therapy, the Work by Byron Katie, EFT, and NLP.

There is a quote that I just cannot find who said it on the Internet or remember where I heard it from that I believe states it perfectly:

There are things in life you can handle. If you can handle them, why worry about them? There are things in life that you cannot handle. If you cannot handle them, why worry about them? Why worry?
-anonymous (If you know please leave a comment.)

There is a quote that made me laugh while I was looking for who said the quote above.

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
-Robert Frost

Isn’t that the truth Robert Frost?

Homework of the Week:

Think of something that you worry about. STOP IT!

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