Joyous Intentions: Learning from Heartbreak

Recently, I was in a relationship with a woman who I thought was everything I wanted in a woman. I was the luckiest person to be able to attract the amazing woman. All my work on myself was actually paying off. She was almost exactly like the description I wrote down for my perfect relationship. When I was with her I could feel my heart expand and the thought of sharing all of the things I loved with her brought me so much joy. For a few months I felt very loved and the world was a much better place. Then in what felt like a flash, it ended.

When it ended I felt sad. I wasn’t going to be able to have all those wondrous feelings anymore and the future that I planned wasn’t going to happen. I experienced a huge sense of loss. I felt I might go into despair. Instead of going into despair, a joyous intention I wrote for myself kicked in.

With great and powerful wisdom I release my expectations, learn from all experiences and with joyously wondrous appreciation go where no man has ever gone before.

That is when I released my expectations. I released the story of the future I created and the betrayal I was feeling. I allowed myself to feel the emotions I was feeling and learn from them.

Lessons learned from this heartbreak:

  1. I have a deep capacity to feel love. Why let that part of me go just because she was no longer going to be in my life? If I remember the feeling of being with her and taking her out of the equation, then I am able to feel that feeling again. It wasn’t her that brought the feelings out of me; it was my reaction to her. When I was around her I let go of my resistance to feeling that good. Remembering the situation is the same as feeling the feelings again. I do not need her for that. Then next time I am in a relationship I will be able to build on that feeling.
  2. I have more contracts of disappointment to break. I noticed more areas where I create contracts of disappointment. This happened when I created certain situations where she would do something and I would be disappointed. I need to rip those puppies up so I do not bring that baggage to my next relationship. To learn more about this subject read the blog on contracts of disappointment.
  3. I have more triggers. Triggers are when pains of the past show up in the present. When triggered, I acted like a little boy who was being abandoned again. Learning those triggers allowed me to work with them and release some of my childhood pain and to use it as a positive. I learned to shine my love through those triggers, so I would feel closer rather than run away.
  4. Enjoy the moment. The present is all I have. When I created futures and they didn’t happen it caused suffering. Everything ends; enjoying the present moment allows me to enjoy what happens in reality instead of what happens in story.
  5. Be myself. I noticed that when I got to the point of being afraid of losing her, I would act like a different person. I wasn’t as strong and I held back more. Instead of saying what was on my mind, I would act like a role instead of being my authentic self. I tried to recapture the past of the man she fell for instead of just being who I am and letting things go as they may. The relationship may have still ended if I was my authentic self, however, I would have more integrity.

Setting the intention to release expectations and learn from all experiences has changed my life. Certain parts of my life that used to be negative have taught me so much about myself. I have found more ways to live joyously through heartache while not denying the fact that I was feeling pain.

You too can learn how writing joyous intentions can change your life. This June I will give you a free eBook that will tell you how to write them and what they can do for you. Live intentionally with purpose and joy! Continue reading “Joyous Intentions: Learning from Heartbreak” »

Break the Contract of Disappointment

As I said in my previous blog, I was not the happiest child. To be completely honest, I still have some abandonment issues. In the last five years, I have done a lot of work to come to terms with my fear of abandonment. My abandonment issues have been the area of my life where I have done the most work. At times, working on my abandonment issues has been very frustrating. It is especially hard when I worked on an issue over and over again only to have it triggered again. In these cases, I created a contract of disappointment.

A contract of disappointment is when I plan to become disappointed. There are times when I created rules and if those rules were violated then I would become upset. It was a written contract that obligated me to become upset when something of my choosing happens.

I did a lot of work to actually believe that people are capable of liking me, that I am a lovable person and to trust people to not abandon me and that they are not out to hurt me. I worked especially at deserving love and finding deserving people that enjoy my company. Everything I have mentioned in my blog has been used on this issue. Look at my top 15 placebos of the decade to get a good idea of what I have used to tear up my contract of disappointment.

My abandonment issues became a lot less frustrating when I stopped beating myself up for taking so long to correct them. I realized that I am going as fast I should be. I tore up that contract of disappointment and I am seeing a lot of improvements. The contract I created stipulated that I would be an ideal version of myself by an ideal time and if I miss that time then I would be upset. I made a plan to feel bad. Tearing up this contract, relaxing and allowing myself to go as fast as I am actually allows me to go faster. Every time I would get upset I would take a step back. Reducing the amounts of steps back increases the amount of steps forward I can go. I noticed a huge change in myself when I realized this.

Another contract of disappointment is when something that I “worked on” comes up again. This contract was when I decided that I was “done” with a trigger and if that trigger came up again, I would be upset. Sometimes it has taken me hours or even days to figure out what is going on. When I had a girlfriend two years ago, I didn’t notice how I was triggered until a week after I broke up with her. There is nothing better for bringing up abandonment issues than getting into a serious relationship. It is almost a constant wave of old insecurities that come up for me that I have the opportunity to work with. Yes; the opportunity to work with. Looking at these relapses as opportunity to work with allows me forgive myself when they happen again. Like I said in my blog, give up the illusion of being done, I will never be completely over my abandonment issues. However, I can use them as opportunities to deepen my practice and clean out some past hurts. Using the work, NLP, EFT, Sedona Method, and meditations, I can make the use of the material real time events where the trigger would happen and then I would do something. Even if the current relationship ends up being ended due to the triggers, it does not mean I have to carry them over to the next relationship.

Break the contract of disappointment! There is no reason to not tear up the contract. Relax and realize that things happen. You have many choices when things happen. Choosing to be upset about them for a long period of time will not help you become a happy person. Choosing to work with them and become a better person from them is the way to go.

Homework of the Week

Examine your life and notice where you have created contracts of disappointment. Write them down on a piece of paper and tear it up.

Happy Note

I have not been blogging lately because I have been writing a book. Look for 7 Steps to Writing Joyous Intentions in June. It will be a perfect tool for you to practice being happy.

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Practice to be Happy

User with smile
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Many of my friends have pointed out how happy I am. Co-workers have mentioned that I am just a naturally happy person. This was not always the case. Growing up, I was not a happy camper. I may have been depressed although I never saw my doctor to be diagnosed as depressed. I do know that I felt alone, totally alone. I felt alone even when I was surrounded by friends and family. I thought that anyone who loved me could stop at a second, so it was better idea to not get close to anyone. Humans are social creatures, so you can imagine how lonely that existence was for me. I am so happy now because, at the age of 26, I made the decision to handle that part of my life. I was no longer going to live in a prison of my own fear. I made the decision to to transform my life into a happy one.

It wasn’t easy at first. Everything I tried seemed not to work. When I made affirmations, I would have a “no” in my mind. Sometimes I would feel worse after I tried to do such things like affirmations. My first step was starting to love myself. Telling myself, “I love you,” was not easy at first. I would look in the mirror every morning and just say, “I love you.” As I continued at it, I was able to make some headway. At first, I would feel a huge, “NO!” I did not like this huge, “NO!”, however I was determined to love myself. Eventually the huge “NO” became a small “no.” Then it went from small “no” to “maybe”, “maybe” to “hopefully”, “hopefully” to “a little”, and finally, “a little” to “a lot”. Now when I look in the mirror and say, “I love you” I feel no resistance.

The mistake people make when they are working on themselves is they believe they should be good at it from the beginning. Just like many things in this world, you

need to practice to become good at it. Some might be able to look in the mirror and say “I love you” and shift overnight; however a majority of us will have to work on it. Just like someone can go to a piano and after a week of playing sound like a super star, another person will only be able to play the first three notes of chopsticks.

You are training your brain to change its thinking. This takes time for some of us. Continue to practice focusing on the good things in your life and yo

The human brain
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u will start to notice those good things and feel happier. You will train your brain to think different and more positive thoughts and release different chemicals. Remember, it is your brain. It is your chemical factory and you can choose many of the chemicals the brain releases. Do not give up on your practice because you are not good at it when you start. Always relax and know that everything is going as fast as it should. If you make a one degree shift a day then in 180 days you will make a complete turn.

Homework of the Week

Look in the mirror and say, “I love you.”

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